08/11/2025
The Power of Naming Our Choices
By Andy McNiel
Just thinking out loud here…in my last “out loud thinking”, I pondered the importance of giving words to our grief, pain, and inner turmoil. That if we can give words to these existential experiences, then managing them somehow becomes more attainable. And I do believe this is true. I also believe this is true for our personal agency, growth, and transformation after profound loss, hurt, and disappointment. There is a power in being able to give words to the ways our circumstances have impacted our lives, the ways we have chosen to respond to our circumstances, and how we have been transformed because of the choices we have made, even amid our grief, pain, and inner turmoil.
Viktor Frankl, the 20th century psychologist, author, and holocaust survivor, wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” It is this “space” that Frankl refers to that I wanted to zero in on as an opportunity to “name it.” The space that is our power to choose a response. Sometimes, our pain casts a shadow over all other aspects of our lives, even our ability to see what choices are available to us. Yet, we know that how we choose to respond is somehow one of the most important freedoms we have in the face of profound loss or suffering. Frankl went as far as writing that our ability to choose is the last of human freedoms. Of his own pain, he wrote that it was his ability to choose his own attitude “even in the midst of unbearable suffering.”
It has been said that pain is not a choice, but suffering in that pain is a choice. Another way to say this is that we do not choose to grieve, but we do have choices that can make a difference in how we carry our pain, adapt to a new life rhythm after loss, and ultimately, how we “land” in the wake of profound loss. Grief is a natural response to profound experiences of loss. At the same time, we have choices available to us amid our pain. Albeit these may be difficult choices and require much from us, these are choices, nonetheless. Have you ever had someone say to you, “I don’t know how you are doing it. I don’t think I would be able to do what you are doing if it were me.” Maybe, after shaking off the frustration of hearing someone say that you ponder to yourself, “I’m not sure how I am doing this either.” Perhaps, take one more step and give words to this experience.
Afterall, there is something you are doing, even if you cannot fully quantify just what that something might be. There are degrees of ability to make choices depending on the intensity of the burden we might be carrying. Sometimes, simple tasks like brushing our teeth, taking a shower, or paying our bills can seem huge in the face of pain and despair. Please be aware this is normal and to be expected for many of us. Yet, we find ourselves doing these things even though these tasks may sometimes be overwhelming. Giving words to these small choices, just like bigger ones, can be the starting point to giving yourself credit for what you have been able to do. This can give us something to build upon as we find our footing again after great loss and amid our grief, pain, and inner turmoil.
So, maybe take a moment, just as you did to give words to your grief, pain, and inner turmoil, to sit down and write words that capture choices available to you, even in the midst of your grief and pain. These choices could be what some might perceive as small things like getting out of bed in the morning, accepting an invitation for coffee with a friend, or preparing a healthy meal for yourself or others, all of which can, actually, be really big things, depending on the enormity of grief, pain, and inner turmoil you are carrying. As you notice these choices that you have, give those choices a voice, name them, write them down. You might, then, begin to see other choices that are available to you. Just as naming your pain might make managing the pain more attainable, so too, naming the choices available to you might make these choices somehow more attainable.
