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Just thinking out loud here…Grief, pain, and inner turmoil often lack a language because words fall short when trying to describe these existential experiences. Yet, I believe there is a power in finding the right words to describe our grief and inner turmoil. Pain or grief that cannot be articulated is often the most debilitating because it lacks definition. Pain without words can be isolating as we have no way of sharing with others what it is like for us. Giving words to our grief and pain makes the experience more tangible and makes room for developing personal strategies to address our grief and pain. 

The famous theologian, author, and professor, C.S. Lewis, in his book A Grief Observed, wrote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” In this, Dr. Lewis was doing his best to give some definition to the experience of grief he felt after the death of his wife, Joy Davidman. He was a man of words, an accomplished writer and communicator, but when it came to grief, finding words was challenging. He first published A Grief Observed under a pseudonym N.W. Clerk because of the candid, personal content of the book. In many ways, this book was his attempt to capture his experience in words.

When you think about it, humans have been searching for the right words to describe the pain, grief, and inner turmoil that often accompanies life’s most challenging experiences for thousands of years. From poets and songwriters to great orators and authors, history is filled with written and verbal expressions of our inner sufferings. When you consider this, perhaps finding words for grief and pain is more than just something to pass the time, rather it is a need. A need to give definition to the internal ache of our souls.

You do not have to be great wordsmiths, like C.S. Lewis, poets, or songwriters, to find the words that best describe your experience. Maybe, start with a free word association activity. Think about your experience with grief and pain. Write down whatever words come to your mind. You might build sentences out of these words or just let them stand alone. Consider the thoughts you are associating with your pain. How do these words and thoughts give definition to your experience? How are your words like those of others? Perhaps, at some point, you might find another person with whom you can share your words and give verbal expression of your pain and grief.

Maybe this is why peer support groups, and individual counseling or coaching are so helpful to many people. These venues offer a way for people to give words to those experiences that often lack a good language. At times, our descriptions are somewhat vague. We might use words like, “sad,” “mad,” or “scared.” Yet, these words, even, lack depth and sometimes do not get to the heart of what our grief is really like. It could be that I am “sad” and wrapped up in that sadness is disappointment, heartbreak, sorrow for all I lost, sorrow for my future or sorrow for the loss of future of my person.

Grief and pain are not just passive, dormant experiences resting somewhere down within. Grief and pain have definition and form, and they have an impact on our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social well-being. Ignoring the pain, staying busy, or avoiding thinking about it only gives grief and pain more power in our lives. The less palpable our experiences, the less manageable they seem to be. So, what if we were to give these experience words and write those words down? If you are carrying a heavy burden of loss, grief, disappointment, or pain, what if you took a moment to define it using words? Consider, “How would I describe this experience to someone else?” Maybe, when you can describe it, then managing the grief and pain becomes somehow more attainable.