By Andy McNiel
08/18/2025
Just thinking out loud here… is our society obsessed with the idea of restoration? We speak in terms of restoring old houses, restoring our soul, restoring ourselves back to our baseline. But really? Can we ever do such things? Maybe it is this type of thinking that keeps us searching for that one thing that will relieve our pain and set us back on the right track. What if we have the wrong destination in mind? Maybe our goal should not be to get back to the way things were before.
Many years ago, I had a client who brought a new perspective to me about this idea of restoration during her first (and only) session with me. She came in the room, sat down across from me, and I asked, “What brings you here today?” She said, “My son died nine years ago. Over that time, I have tried different things to get myself back to the way I was before he died, but nothing I have tried has worked, so I thought I would give counseling a try.” In response to this, I said, “Why don’t we start there. Could you share what you were like and what your life was like before your son died?”
She then proceeded to share with me what her life was like before her son died. She talked about all of this for the entire hour. When we came close to the end of the session, I briefly recapped what I had heard her say about her son, how things are different now that he died, and verified that I heard her correctly.
She paused for a moment, as if contemplating something, almost like a light bulb was turned one, and then she said, “You know, having heard myself say all these things, it occurs to me that perhaps my problem is that I have had the wrong destination in mind. I have been trying to get my life back to the way it was before he died, maybe, instead, I should be learning to live my life as it is now and as the person I am now.”
We set a follow-up appointment for two weeks later. When that day rolled around, I received a phone call from her. She said, “I am calling you to cancel my follow up appointment. I wanted to call and let you know that I don’t think I need it. When I had the epiphany that I could not get my life back to what it was before my son’s death, something broke free. I am now not burdened with that impossible task, rather I am learning to live my life as it is.”
I did not know it at the time but thinking back, what she was referring to was learning to embrace the new normal and how her life has been transformed by her son’s life and by his death. Have you ever watched one of the television shows where they are restoring an old house to its original condition? Do they ever really restore the house to its original condition? Not typically. What typically happens is they transform the house into something new.
What if, instead, we embraced the idea of transformation? What if we consider how our loss, grief, and pain has impacted our lives as we are moving toward something new and undiscovered? This is not to say that we no longer grieve our loss. On the contrary, at the heart of embracing transformation is honoring our past and our pain; honoring those people who have shaped our lives, mourning their death, and acknowledging our grief and pain we carry because of this.
At the same time, it is not an affront to those we love who have died to make room for joy, meaning, purpose, and hope now and in the future. We cannot change the past, but we can honor it, learn from it, build upon it, and embrace those things in front of us. Let’s do this, take a moment and consider all the ways we have changed, grown, and been transformed by all of the experiences of our lives, both good and bad. Let’s lean into our personal agency, ability to make choices, and healthy coping strategies as we adapt to the changes life brings rather than trying to get back to something that is no longer a possibility.